I hate it when people trivialise what is essentially a miracle
Especially something as sacred as the birth of a child
It's all so cynical
The act of carrying a piece of chalk with you
To imply this was a spontaneous act
And not just some pre-meditated pretension
The artful reversal of some letters
To denote, youth and hipness
This laboriously, painfully wrought epigram
That by being taken out of context,
The author
Hopes implies their intellectual capability
And their hidden depths.
Sadly the puddle of their mind
imbues this contextless phrase
With the insipid aura of cod philosophy
And street
Very, very street.
Razor sharp street.
As street as...
Standing outside KFC
On a sunny day
On a Saturday afternoon
Forty minutes before you have to get back
To your Mum and Dad
In Feltham
And your wearing a scarf.
It's all so cynical.
Well let me tell you
That if it was that easy being born
WE WOULD ALL BE DOING IT!!!
MORE THAN ONCE!!!
"Mummy! Mummy!"
"Yes Dear?"
"Can I do it again"
"Yes dear, just climb back in"
In fact
You could sell tickets
Treat your vagina
Like some moist, organic Disney World
Pay some Harley Street Quack
To elasticate the umbilical cord
So the little foetus bastards
Can bounce up and down
Like some spastic, bloody St. Vitus's dance.
Over and over again.
Up and down
Up and down.
In fact Simon Cowell
Could capitalise on the craze.
He could artificially inseminate
One of the many bland, fading pop acts
That are on his roster.
So they could all give birth
Simultaneously
On stage
With their elasticated umbilical cords.
A whole troupe of...
Little bloody, bouncing, bungee babies
Up and down.
Up and down.
To the syncopated rhythm.
While their vapid mothers
Vomit out their autotuned pap
Girls Aloud?
Nah!!!
Too Old.
They must be at least ninety
The Saturdays?
Possibly
One of them has already popped one out.
So you would have to wait a bit
Before slipping a fertility pill in their Horlicks.
Little Mix?
Yes, definitely
You could dress the foetus's up
Like their mates in One Direction
That would get the One Directioners going.
It's all so cynical.
I hate babies
They stick on your shoe when you step on them.
