Caution Concealed Vehicle Exit

That makes a lot of sense






Go to all the trouble of






Concealing an entrance,






Then tell everyone about it.






You really know how to ruin a surprise.

New Panel Coming Soon

Ridiculous!!!






I had barely a chance






To get used to






The old






New panel coming soon sign.

Camel Racing

Please explain this to me.

A walkie, talkie can't be much use.






For a start, camels don't have hands.






And their enunciation is terrible.






Unless of course they are dealing in stolen goods.






Then a receiver would be pretty useful.

Smooth London

I agree with Metropolitan Plastering we should all be working for a smoother London.






They also do Pebble Dashing.






That's useful to know,






If I was working for a Pebble Dashed London.

Themed Rugby Breakfasts

If it's like any of the ones that I have been to before.






I bet this themed rugby breakfast idea involves a lot of drinking...






... and a damned good rogering with a stick of celery whilst bent over a table.

Lonely

I saw this Traffic Warden the other day, studiously examining the tom cards inside this phone box. He considered them carefully as if they were the very best depictions of the female form as painted by the very best female form depicters such as the famed renaissance painter, Battinocci Da Formica.






I hope he found what he was looking for...

...or maybe he was just looking for friendship.

Scary Clothes

These are dead, scary clothes. I would have to stay indoors all the time if I wore this macabre ensemble, otherwise people would be shaking in their boots and hiding in trees, or behind things that were the right shape and size to hide behind,  like tall, fat people.






But then what would they hide behind?






It's too scary to think about.

 I wonder if they do it in XXL.

The Aliens are Coming

Run, run for the hills, the aliens are coming and just as I always imagined they would be, they have giant eyeballs on tentacled stalks and huge, ginormous eyelashes, and possibly beaks but you can't be sure because of the grate it is hiding behind. This is their evil way, the way they spread fear, by rumour. Do they have beaks or don't they? Oh I must flee to a place they can't find me.






When they invade they will not need armies of death robots, and fleets of death flying saucers and battalions of death rays, they will just flutter their eyelashes winsomely and we will fall before them and succumb.

I wonder if it is naked behind that grate.

No Wombles

No Wombles 

Anywhere, 

Not one, 

Not one damn Womble 

Anywhere to be seen. 

A complete lack of Wombles, 

Wombleless. 

Litter

Mountains of litter, 

Litter everywhere 

An Everest of litter.

Slackers.






All together now!!!

Underground, Overground, Wombling Free,

The Wombles of Whitechapel town are We,

And we don't give a FUCK!!!

CUnTs!!!

Starting Early

Merry Christmas!!!







From Selfridges






In September.

 

CUNTS!!!

I wouldn't mind so much

But they chucked me out

Just because

I sat on Santa's knee

Inappropriate they said.

Come on!!!

I was dressed as a pixie!!!

What could be more appropriate than that!!!

I had nipple tassels and everything!!!

Good Luck & Good Night

Such erudition, such heartfelt emotion. You feel a common bond with these people. Even in Chelsea, even with their tractors and other agriculture implements, they too needed the soothing balm of quality ethanol to anaesthetise themselves against the sensory barrage of the twenty first century. They too needed the reliable services of Oddbins to administer to their needs, and now, now they are gone, and all because of the all too familiar gods of Incompetence and Greed. Shame on you Simon and your partners, shame on you.

So a tin of Tennent's Super is out the question then?

It's not even Upside-Down

This does not work on so may levels.

 

It wasn't even pointing to the way out.

Unique Selling Point

 I am really not sure what Anthony Ward Thomas is trying to tell me

Will they move my wardrobe or not?

Clarity in Marketing

Which?






Which is it?






Is is it a massage oil for dogs






or massaging ointment made from dog oil?






I need to know!!!

Middle Class Git

Owen Jones,






I bet he went to public school...

...and likes fox hunting too.

lol Me!!!

I can haz chese burger too.

History Hysteria

The magazine sub-heading reads







"History that puts women in her place."

How much can you write about a kitchen?

Choices

Stop it!!!







Stop it!!!







Stop bombarding me with choice!!!

I'm so confused.

Don't Cry

What a sad little junction box.






Don't cry little junction box.







Don't cry.

Dog Vocabulary

I think Wandsworth Council need to send their dog sign writer back to sign writing college. Not only is this sign grammatically incorrect, it is mising a key word and the punctuation could be improved upon. It really should read...

Dogs, please keep out of this open space.

Another point to note is dogs can't read. Here is a sign I have created that would make much more sense to a dog if the council wanted to keep their open spaces free of canine interlopers.

Police State

Don't tell me what to do...

...Garden Centre Fascists.

Wet Wet Wet

They were an Eighties band.

I thought they were shit.

Doctor Who's Dress Up Set

It's like Christmas and my birthday rolled into one. A sonic screwdriver, a psychic-paper notebook, a TARDIS key AND A BOW TIE.

Bow ties are cool.

An Excellent Night Out

This has the makings of an excellent night out.

Food Nirvana

Haggis & cracked black pepper crisps a true epicurean delight.

Made from the finest ingredients possible, our prime haggis is line caught in the foothills of Drumnadrochit, especially for you the connoisseur's pleasure.

We are exacting in our attention to detail, because not only is the taste of our haggis legendary, reminiscent of heady summers in Catford, we also source the finest pepper to complement the exquisite taste of these haggis scented potatoes. Not just any pepper either, but cracked black pepper.

This pepper, infused with the finest Colombian crack cocaine, lovingly produced locally by our hand-picked drug cartels specially selected for their commitment to quality, and random acts of brutal violence, adds a luxurious taste to our crisps. One you are unlikely ever to remember due to the excessive use of the drug.

Caution: May contain potato

By the way it's a well known fact that Haggis is not naturally grown, but is a byproduct of the petro-chemical industry.

Things that keep me awake at night

I bought a smoke alarm for peace of mind over the weekend, and then read the small print.


I hope it doesn't contain nuts as well.

Big Fat Panda

Not just Fat Panda, but Big Fat Panda. I am not sure I approve of this negative stereotyping of pandas. Pandas have a hard enough time of it already without being singled out for ridicule. What do we want? Panda's with poor self-esteem? They have enough body image issues what with a luck of fecundity in the breeding department and a physiology so poorly designed for eating bamboo that it needs to eat for ten to fifteen hours a day to be able to sleep for the rest.

I think Beefy would be an improvement, The Big, Beefy Panda.  

Unless of course that it is what they serve, big fat pandas. Maybe that lady is queuing for a large helping of sweet and sour, big fat panda and rice.

I wonder if there is a sister restaurant called the Little Petite Panda.

The Path to Zen

I always thought that achieving Zen would be a lot harder than this, requiring years of meditation, inner contemplation and some form of bodily suffering, maybe forgoing the chocolate biscuits and sticking with plain digestives as an example. I also thought you needed chanting, lots and lots of chanting, probably with bells as well; chanting and bells, can't beat chanting and bells to get you on the path to spiritual enlightenment, especially once the headache has died down.

Then one day when you are nearly one hundred and seven and after a lot of chanting and bells, and bodily suffering and all the spiritual stuff, something would go pop or bong or some other onomatopoeic sound and Bob's your uncle there you were enlightened, in the Zen zone, one up on the rest of creation.

But here in Anerley, I find it's just up the road, a short hop away on the 157 bus. I was quite surprised there weren't queues of Buddhist monks waiting at all the bus stops. Possibly though they still prescribe to the old fashioned ways of achieving enlightenment, being nearly one hundred and seven and more set in their ways than the younger we want it now generation. Maybe, they stick to the suffering, chanting bells etc. and not the modern big yellow sign pointing to enlightenment route. No, that would be far too easy.

Unless of course they have disguised themselves to hide from prying eyes that they are in fact Buddhist monks and sod the old fashioned way lets get this enlightenment business over and done with as quickly as possible, women and monks first, last one left behind at the monastery can turn the lights out and good riddance it was bloody cold anyway. Maybe instead of the bit of a giveaway orange robes and the shaved head, "No, I'm not an actual monk I'm just going to a fancy dress party" tactic, they have decided instead to go undercover.

So the next time you are on the 157, and you find that are lots of very old people wearing wigs looking guilty about something and mumbling to themselves, they are probably Buddhist monks taking the easy path to enlightenment.

Apparently Nirvana is just two stops further on, but it is not quite as popular as there is no on-street parking available.

Cover all bases

They also do Polish Sausage in Pitta Bread with extra chilli.






It's called Doner Kabanos.






Chicken Tikka Carbonara, anyone?

Not a Disney Tree

This is not a Disney tree, a tree that is happy and smiling all the time. This tree is not kind to small animals, offering them shelter and food, whilst allowing beautiful, magical princesses with long, golden tresses to rest in his shade. This tree would not allow laughing children to play in his branches on a hot summer's day. 

This is a South London tree. This tree hates you and wants to mug you for your mobile phone and any lunch-time sandwiches you may have on you. This tree wants to spit in your dinner and watch you eat it, whilst telling you your pet cat has died of secondary smoking, this being your fault even though you don't smoke. This tree more than anything else in the world wants to cause mayhem and civil disobedience...

...but it can't, it's only a tree with a face painted on it.