Oh! God! My aching sides. Please, Stop! Stop! I don't think I can take anymore. Oh, bloody hell, I think I've wet myself.
31/10/2011
Ha! Bloody, Ha!
Oh! God! My aching sides. Please, Stop! Stop! I don't think I can take anymore. Oh, bloody hell, I think I've wet myself.
30/10/2011
29/10/2011
28/10/2011
Invasive Species
That's all very well, but this is Twickenham.
I kept my eyes open but I didn't see any.
Not even a wombat.
It was womless.
Mind you what would a wom do with a bat is anyone's guess.
P.S. There isn't a collective noun for koalas.
27/10/2011
Fickle Fame
A tragic accident by any standards,
He knew what the dangers were, and we told him not to go, but he wasn't having any of it. Always the performer, always the need to be the centre of attention, underneath the spotlight, the smell of grease paint. This time though there were consequences.
He'd obviously been drinking.
I wonder if the fez would fit.
Fezs are cool.
I wonder if it would make me popular.
26/10/2011
Everything is relative
You should see Waterstone's Uninteresting Theory section.
It's downstairs in the bargain section.
Right next to Jeremy Clarkson's latest offering.
25/10/2011
The Shape of Things to Come...
...remote controlled lawn mowers roam the landscape unimpeded.
A horticultural Dalek for the Hi-vis jacket generation.
Extirpate! Extirpate!
A horticultural Dalek for the Hi-vis jacket generation.
Extirpate! Extirpate!
24/10/2011
23/10/2011
Queuing Possible
Not only is it possible, it's already a proven fact.
Like quantum theory, it has happened many, many times.
Especially when a new iPhone is announced.
22/10/2011
21/10/2011
20/10/2011
Specialisation
It's amazing, with the complexity of modern living there is a niche for everyone.
Out there...
...somewhere...
...there are Venetian shutter tool thieves.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
A two year apprenticeshop, lots of practise, and the appropriate tools preferably purchased from a responsible supplier.
Out there...
...somewhere...
...there are Venetian shutter tool thieves.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
A two year apprenticeshop, lots of practise, and the appropriate tools preferably purchased from a responsible supplier.
19/10/2011
18/10/2011
They're stealing our Jobs!!!
...bollards are no longer manual.
NO WONDER UNEMPLOYMENT'S RISING!!!
Bloody Cameron!!!
LETTING THOSE AUTOMATIC BOLLARDS TAKE OUR JOBS!!!
NO WONDER UNEMPLOYMENT'S RISING!!!
Bloody Cameron!!!
LETTING THOSE AUTOMATIC BOLLARDS TAKE OUR JOBS!!!
17/10/2011
Salon Satori
There will be no more hatred between nations, no more distrust of people of different races and religions. We can eradicate war overnight, global peace is within our grasp. All we need is Nail Harmony...
...and fish pedicures,
Don't forget the Garra Rufa Fish Pedicures.
Nirvana is tantalisingly close,
I can touch it,
Feel it,
Feel it nibbling my toes,
As I run my harmonic nails through my psyche.
Book now to avoid disappointment.
...and fish pedicures,
Don't forget the Garra Rufa Fish Pedicures.
Nirvana is tantalisingly close,
I can touch it,
Feel it,
Feel it nibbling my toes,
As I run my harmonic nails through my psyche.
Book now to avoid disappointment.
16/10/2011
Tangible Disappointment
Not quite what I imagined a homestead to look like.
- I feel positively let down, in a Little House on the Prairie Sort of way.
- Home, home on the range,
- Where the chav and chavelina play;
- Where often is heard, many a swear word
- And the skies are cloudy all day.
15/10/2011
14/10/2011
Baby Boom
How can they help with the conception?
Do they do it for you?
No messy sexual intercourse, here please.
"Yes sir, you don't even have to be in the same room."
"Of course you can make a donation."
"Just don't post it through the letter box when we are closed."
"The carpet gets sticky."
13/10/2011
12/10/2011
On Solving a National Crisis
...being American is a selling point for Dry Cleaning.
In the Twenty First Century, Americans are world renowned for their dry cleaning skills...
...and invading other countries that have large oil reserves.
It's the only way they can pay off their national debt...
..and successfully remove heavy staining from the velvet curtains hanging in the White House.
Maybe we could help?
Maybe Cameron and Clegg could stick their heads so far up Barak's arse, he would be able to reach up to put the curtains back on the high windows without step ladders.
In the Twenty First Century, Americans are world renowned for their dry cleaning skills...
...and invading other countries that have large oil reserves.
It's the only way they can pay off their national debt...
..and successfully remove heavy staining from the velvet curtains hanging in the White House.
Maybe we could help?
Maybe Cameron and Clegg could stick their heads so far up Barak's arse, he would be able to reach up to put the curtains back on the high windows without step ladders.
Oh! Sun dappled vehicle,
Like a zebra in the Jungle.
Except in Pentonville,
and a van not an animal.
11/10/2011
Pathos!!!
...a child is given a birthday cake celebrating a shoe.
A trainer at that,
Not even an expensive, Italian patent leather brogue.
And what happened to the other shoe?
Unless Tyson only have one leg.
Ooooh!!!
The pathos
A one legged kid with no taste in shoes.
There should be a charity to deal with that!!!
10/10/2011
The Polish Pirate on Plywood
What a positively, pensive, Polish, pirate on plywood by a pub,
In Pimlico.
True I tell you!!!
09/10/2011
08/10/2011
Borehamwood
I don't know why, but my old London A-Z didn't have Borehamwood in it. Where it should have been there was just a gap between Barnet and Edgeware. I began to believe Borehamwood didn't exist.
Here be dragons.
Here be dragons.
07/10/2011
Melodious Take Aways
I prefer humming, myself.
Chow mein the way to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed,
I had a little drink about an hour ago,
and its gone straight to my head.
06/10/2011
The Shape of Things to Come...
Not only does the camera take a picture
It bakes you a light fluffy Victoria sponge as well.
A joint venture between Nikon and Gregg's the Baker.
05/10/2011
The Shape of Things to Come...
Your menus answer back.
Especially when you don't tip.
Or make a bad, wine choice.
Have you ever seen a computer sneer.
04/10/2011
The Shape of Things to Come...
 |
 |
Your deodorant has motion sensing technology built into it.
Careful, it's watching you.
03/10/2011
02/10/2011
No Junk Mail
Categorically no junk mail whatsoever, no pizza leaflet, no take away menus, no give your clothes to a Romanian charity, no junk mail.
Number 33
Must be a masochist
Or they like junk mail.
Number 33
Must be a masochist
Or they like junk mail.
01/10/2011
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